Thursday, February 27, 2014

Mommy shaming

You've probably seen my facebook status. I am clearly over this crap. Every day I wake up (or zombie read at 2 a.m.) a study about something I did or didn't do during pregnancy or while breastfeeding that is going to "doom" my child. They are going to have ADHD or Autism because I ate peanuts or took Tylenol. Paul isn't an old father so I guess I dodged that ADHD bullet. Or that if you breastfeed you are spoiling your child or go ahead give your child formula it is no different than formula. Okay breastmilk is different. Am I happy that I can breastfeed my daughter? Yes. But if I were giving her formula would I hate myself? No. She is being fed. My siblings and I are all just fine and were fed formula. Do I sit around wondering if maybe I'd be able to do math if my mom breastfed me? NO. Maybe that's how I was born. We don't have to have something to blame for everything, more importantly we don't have to have SOMEONE to blame. Life and from what I have experienced in 4 short months parenting is hard with out constantly being told you are doing it wrong because of one half assed study that looked at 100 kids.

If P was born with ADHD or Autism or anything else it is my job as a parent to love her and set her up to excel to the best of her ability. It will not benefit her in hindsight to waste my time thinking "damn it I shouldn't have had that peanut butter on my english muffin".  Maybe by the time we are possibly blessed with a sibling for her there will be hard fact for some do or don't while pregnant. Even now at most doctor's offices will tell you to do anything in moderation.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The kind of challenge I relish in

It is strange. I may be sleep deprived, I may have no idea what my daughter wants every now and then and it may make me slightly crazy that she won't take a bottle. But those times are the exception, not the rule. I like the challenge. I like feeling a little out of control. I try so hard at times to have everything in my life planned out and knowing what is coming. It is a great wrench in my life. I welcome it. When I mention that these things and others are going on it is a hey this is what's happening today/this week/this month. It is not to say oh my gosh I can't handle myself. If I need help I will ask for it.

Some days I look at this little girl and wonder what the heck am I going to do with you today? But I think I have made a realization that should carry. Some days she just needs to sit and talk to me. Right now that is most all she does. And even though she makes no sense it is fun and a great way to pass the day. Some days it just seems like the only thing I do is feed her. Do I wish that at night she went to bed before 10 so Paul and i could have a bit of extra time absolutely but this won't be our whole life forever.

So right now I don't need much. Maybe what I need most is for stella to have more relaxed days than spastic days.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Unintentionally crunchy

Well, I have had a baby that won't nap for a couple weeks now. It is frustrating but I wouldn't change a day for anything. I have had a lot of time to just sit and assess how I want to do this mom/parent thing and what I am doing now.

It has been my plan from minute one of being pregnant to make P's food. I love to cook and do new things. If it sounds fun I say give it a shot (you know if it is a logical, safe, practical thing)

Then I started assessing our diapering situation. I HATE the stack of dirty diapers at the end of the day. Filling a plastic shopping bag in two days. It seems like a waste of money, money other people spent buying those diapers as gifts. I half heartedly looked at cloth diapers when I first got pregnant. What kept me from considering doing it is what other people would say. Seriously, I am 27 not 17 I really shouldn't care. I spent this weekend researching and reading far more about baby poop and pee than anyone needs to. I want to go for it. I am home with her and I will have disposables on hand if anyone is totally against it but I plan to get the all in one diapers where no one has to actually deal with poop. But here's the thing I change 99.9% of her diapers. All that matters is me and her.

So I am unintentionally a crunchy hippie mom I guess. I fully intended to give her pumped milk in a bottle here and there. I did not intend on her refusing bottles until she screamed her head off and drank an ounce or two. So I breast feed her. And I am not afraid to say I love it and the time we have. Would I like it if once in a while Paul could go get her at night. Sure I'd be lying if I said I love getting up multiple times every night. But that is being a mom. I wished away a lot of parts of my life trying to get here. I am honest in admitting that. There is no love lost between me and my first 14 years of school. I just didn't fit there. This life feels normal.

This is the life I was meant to have. The 4.5 years of being a wife and the rest of forever being a wife and mom. So, Paul and I get to make our life look the way we want to not how people expect it to look. Lets just hope I was only kidding when I said I'd be moving to college with P because she'll still be breastfeeding.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

12 weeks tomorrow?

I can't believe the changes in P. She is so interactive and has such a personality. I love it. Pretty much if she is awake and not eating she is "talking or singing".  It is also like she and stella came to an understanding yesterday that they will be BFFs. She loves to watch the dogs walk around.

She is getting close to rolling back to front. I don't remember what she did the other day with Paul but I told him that even though I spend all day every day with her she would end up doing all her "firsts" with him. So, the next night I am on the couch eating dinner and he is sitting on the floor with her on her play mat. I hear "Woah you are going to roll over". I jump up because I couldn't see her because of the coffee table. She hasn't done it yet but she is going to be a bit peeved when she does since her belly isn't her favorite place. Which is probably why she hasn't shown interest in rolling belly to back. You'd think she'd be all for it so she didn't have to be on her belly any more.

She has been right on track with her growth spurts and "wonder week leaps" and she is getting into one now. She still refuses a pacifier and she has to be waking up to take a bottle. I need to be very vigilant that I am doing everything to keep my supply up because we would be up a creek if she had to take a bottle regularly.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

2 Months and several growth spurts and "wonder weeks" later

Wow, 2 months. P is 2 months old. She makes me laugh daily, frustrates me, and melts my heart. I catch myself wanting to keep her in the moment forever while also wondering what she'll be like in a week or month. I can't (but can) wait to hear what she says for her first word. In two months the doctor will go over direction for starting real food. For some reason that hit me like a load of bricks more than the fact that she is flying through diaper sizes. Food means she's growing up! She'll be "huge" and she will probably be starting teething. (FYI nothing about that sounds fun since she is still refusing a bottle).

Yeah, she refuses a bottle and pacifier. Though I may have discovered a way to outsmart her last night. It was dark in her room and when I laid her down she started fussing. I decided to give the pacifier a shot. She didn't scream like I was killing her, she also didn't really suck on it. But for us that is progress. I may send Paul up for bed time with a bottle tonight just to see if she takes it.

She is still too young for crying it out in bed to fall asleep but in yet another way we are spoiled if she is actually tired and ready to sleep if I put her down drowsy she will punch her arms around and kick her legs but will put herself back to sleep. That is good because when it comes to laying her down I have no coordination. For all the things that seem to be "natural" to me laying her down isn't one of them.

Something that is a bit crazy to me is that if she doesn't get her day time naps she won't sleep through the night (yeah we are spoiled there too). Before going through her last developmental growth she would nap after breakfast and then after lunch for her long naps then cat nap in the early evening. Then she had the spurt and spent a week and a half not napping at all which resulted in a bed time of 11, not the "normal" 9:30 and she would have to wake up at 3:30 to eat. When she doesn't get a real nap every time she eats she falls asleep before she gets full so doesn't sleep soundly and will not let me put her down. But if she is full and naps life is good for everyone. But in the last three days (minus yesterday) she has gone back to her "regular" schedule and ended up sleeping 9-6.

I however do not sleep straight through that time. I wake up and stare at the video monitor until i see her breathing or flinch. Lucky for me she takes after me and my family and is a very flinchy sleeper.

She is 11 pounds, 23.5 inches long and into size 2 diapers. She is a dainty long skinny girl built like her dad and grandpa Ed but then you get to her thighs and BAM all mommy :) so the size 1 diapers got tight around the legs before they were tight in the waist. She is fully out of the 0-3 month clothing and I think I finally got them all out of her dresser so I don't accidentally pull them out and try to stuff her in them. The 3 month one piece clothes with out feet are all above her ankles. She has worn a few 3-6 months sleepers too.