Thursday, February 27, 2014

Mommy shaming

You've probably seen my facebook status. I am clearly over this crap. Every day I wake up (or zombie read at 2 a.m.) a study about something I did or didn't do during pregnancy or while breastfeeding that is going to "doom" my child. They are going to have ADHD or Autism because I ate peanuts or took Tylenol. Paul isn't an old father so I guess I dodged that ADHD bullet. Or that if you breastfeed you are spoiling your child or go ahead give your child formula it is no different than formula. Okay breastmilk is different. Am I happy that I can breastfeed my daughter? Yes. But if I were giving her formula would I hate myself? No. She is being fed. My siblings and I are all just fine and were fed formula. Do I sit around wondering if maybe I'd be able to do math if my mom breastfed me? NO. Maybe that's how I was born. We don't have to have something to blame for everything, more importantly we don't have to have SOMEONE to blame. Life and from what I have experienced in 4 short months parenting is hard with out constantly being told you are doing it wrong because of one half assed study that looked at 100 kids.

If P was born with ADHD or Autism or anything else it is my job as a parent to love her and set her up to excel to the best of her ability. It will not benefit her in hindsight to waste my time thinking "damn it I shouldn't have had that peanut butter on my english muffin".  Maybe by the time we are possibly blessed with a sibling for her there will be hard fact for some do or don't while pregnant. Even now at most doctor's offices will tell you to do anything in moderation.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The kind of challenge I relish in

It is strange. I may be sleep deprived, I may have no idea what my daughter wants every now and then and it may make me slightly crazy that she won't take a bottle. But those times are the exception, not the rule. I like the challenge. I like feeling a little out of control. I try so hard at times to have everything in my life planned out and knowing what is coming. It is a great wrench in my life. I welcome it. When I mention that these things and others are going on it is a hey this is what's happening today/this week/this month. It is not to say oh my gosh I can't handle myself. If I need help I will ask for it.

Some days I look at this little girl and wonder what the heck am I going to do with you today? But I think I have made a realization that should carry. Some days she just needs to sit and talk to me. Right now that is most all she does. And even though she makes no sense it is fun and a great way to pass the day. Some days it just seems like the only thing I do is feed her. Do I wish that at night she went to bed before 10 so Paul and i could have a bit of extra time absolutely but this won't be our whole life forever.

So right now I don't need much. Maybe what I need most is for stella to have more relaxed days than spastic days.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Unintentionally crunchy

Well, I have had a baby that won't nap for a couple weeks now. It is frustrating but I wouldn't change a day for anything. I have had a lot of time to just sit and assess how I want to do this mom/parent thing and what I am doing now.

It has been my plan from minute one of being pregnant to make P's food. I love to cook and do new things. If it sounds fun I say give it a shot (you know if it is a logical, safe, practical thing)

Then I started assessing our diapering situation. I HATE the stack of dirty diapers at the end of the day. Filling a plastic shopping bag in two days. It seems like a waste of money, money other people spent buying those diapers as gifts. I half heartedly looked at cloth diapers when I first got pregnant. What kept me from considering doing it is what other people would say. Seriously, I am 27 not 17 I really shouldn't care. I spent this weekend researching and reading far more about baby poop and pee than anyone needs to. I want to go for it. I am home with her and I will have disposables on hand if anyone is totally against it but I plan to get the all in one diapers where no one has to actually deal with poop. But here's the thing I change 99.9% of her diapers. All that matters is me and her.

So I am unintentionally a crunchy hippie mom I guess. I fully intended to give her pumped milk in a bottle here and there. I did not intend on her refusing bottles until she screamed her head off and drank an ounce or two. So I breast feed her. And I am not afraid to say I love it and the time we have. Would I like it if once in a while Paul could go get her at night. Sure I'd be lying if I said I love getting up multiple times every night. But that is being a mom. I wished away a lot of parts of my life trying to get here. I am honest in admitting that. There is no love lost between me and my first 14 years of school. I just didn't fit there. This life feels normal.

This is the life I was meant to have. The 4.5 years of being a wife and the rest of forever being a wife and mom. So, Paul and I get to make our life look the way we want to not how people expect it to look. Lets just hope I was only kidding when I said I'd be moving to college with P because she'll still be breastfeeding.