Mommy shaming

You've probably seen my facebook status. I am clearly over this crap. Every day I wake up (or zombie read at 2 a.m.) a study about something I did or didn't do during pregnancy or while breastfeeding that is going to "doom" my child. They are going to have ADHD or Autism because I ate peanuts or took Tylenol. Paul isn't an old father so I guess I dodged that ADHD bullet. Or that if you breastfeed you are spoiling your child or go ahead give your child formula it is no different than formula. Okay breastmilk is different. Am I happy that I can breastfeed my daughter? Yes. But if I were giving her formula would I hate myself? No. She is being fed. My siblings and I are all just fine and were fed formula. Do I sit around wondering if maybe I'd be able to do math if my mom breastfed me? NO. Maybe that's how I was born. We don't have to have something to blame for everything, more importantly we don't have to have SOMEONE to blame. Life and from what I have experienced in 4 short months parenting is hard with out constantly being told you are doing it wrong because of one half assed study that looked at 100 kids.

If P was born with ADHD or Autism or anything else it is my job as a parent to love her and set her up to excel to the best of her ability. It will not benefit her in hindsight to waste my time thinking "damn it I shouldn't have had that peanut butter on my english muffin".  Maybe by the time we are possibly blessed with a sibling for her there will be hard fact for some do or don't while pregnant. Even now at most doctor's offices will tell you to do anything in moderation.

The kind of challenge I relish in

It is strange. I may be sleep deprived, I may have no idea what my daughter wants every now and then and it may make me slightly crazy that she won't take a bottle. But those times are the exception, not the rule. I like the challenge. I like feeling a little out of control. I try so hard at times to have everything in my life planned out and knowing what is coming. It is a great wrench in my life. I welcome it. When I mention that these things and others are going on it is a hey this is what's happening today/this week/this month. It is not to say oh my gosh I can't handle myself. If I need help I will ask for it.

Some days I look at this little girl and wonder what the heck am I going to do with you today? But I think I have made a realization that should carry. Some days she just needs to sit and talk to me. Right now that is most all she does. And even though she makes no sense it is fun and a great way to pass the day. Some days it just seems like the only thing I do is feed her. Do I wish that at night she went to bed before 10 so Paul and i could have a bit of extra time absolutely but this won't be our whole life forever.

So right now I don't need much. Maybe what I need most is for stella to have more relaxed days than spastic days.

Unintentionally crunchy

Well, I have had a baby that won't nap for a couple weeks now. It is frustrating but I wouldn't change a day for anything. I have had a lot of time to just sit and assess how I want to do this mom/parent thing and what I am doing now.

It has been my plan from minute one of being pregnant to make P's food. I love to cook and do new things. If it sounds fun I say give it a shot (you know if it is a logical, safe, practical thing)

Then I started assessing our diapering situation. I HATE the stack of dirty diapers at the end of the day. Filling a plastic shopping bag in two days. It seems like a waste of money, money other people spent buying those diapers as gifts. I half heartedly looked at cloth diapers when I first got pregnant. What kept me from considering doing it is what other people would say. Seriously, I am 27 not 17 I really shouldn't care. I spent this weekend researching and reading far more about baby poop and pee than anyone needs to. I want to go for it. I am home with her and I will have disposables on hand if anyone is totally against it but I plan to get the all in one diapers where no one has to actually deal with poop. But here's the thing I change 99.9% of her diapers. All that matters is me and her.

So I am unintentionally a crunchy hippie mom I guess. I fully intended to give her pumped milk in a bottle here and there. I did not intend on her refusing bottles until she screamed her head off and drank an ounce or two. So I breast feed her. And I am not afraid to say I love it and the time we have. Would I like it if once in a while Paul could go get her at night. Sure I'd be lying if I said I love getting up multiple times every night. But that is being a mom. I wished away a lot of parts of my life trying to get here. I am honest in admitting that. There is no love lost between me and my first 14 years of school. I just didn't fit there. This life feels normal.

This is the life I was meant to have. The 4.5 years of being a wife and the rest of forever being a wife and mom. So, Paul and I get to make our life look the way we want to not how people expect it to look. Lets just hope I was only kidding when I said I'd be moving to college with P because she'll still be breastfeeding.

12 weeks tomorrow?

I can't believe the changes in P. She is so interactive and has such a personality. I love it. Pretty much if she is awake and not eating she is "talking or singing".  It is also like she and stella came to an understanding yesterday that they will be BFFs. She loves to watch the dogs walk around.

She is getting close to rolling back to front. I don't remember what she did the other day with Paul but I told him that even though I spend all day every day with her she would end up doing all her "firsts" with him. So, the next night I am on the couch eating dinner and he is sitting on the floor with her on her play mat. I hear "Woah you are going to roll over". I jump up because I couldn't see her because of the coffee table. She hasn't done it yet but she is going to be a bit peeved when she does since her belly isn't her favorite place. Which is probably why she hasn't shown interest in rolling belly to back. You'd think she'd be all for it so she didn't have to be on her belly any more.

She has been right on track with her growth spurts and "wonder week leaps" and she is getting into one now. She still refuses a pacifier and she has to be waking up to take a bottle. I need to be very vigilant that I am doing everything to keep my supply up because we would be up a creek if she had to take a bottle regularly.

2 Months and several growth spurts and "wonder weeks" later

Wow, 2 months. P is 2 months old. She makes me laugh daily, frustrates me, and melts my heart. I catch myself wanting to keep her in the moment forever while also wondering what she'll be like in a week or month. I can't (but can) wait to hear what she says for her first word. In two months the doctor will go over direction for starting real food. For some reason that hit me like a load of bricks more than the fact that she is flying through diaper sizes. Food means she's growing up! She'll be "huge" and she will probably be starting teething. (FYI nothing about that sounds fun since she is still refusing a bottle).

Yeah, she refuses a bottle and pacifier. Though I may have discovered a way to outsmart her last night. It was dark in her room and when I laid her down she started fussing. I decided to give the pacifier a shot. She didn't scream like I was killing her, she also didn't really suck on it. But for us that is progress. I may send Paul up for bed time with a bottle tonight just to see if she takes it.

She is still too young for crying it out in bed to fall asleep but in yet another way we are spoiled if she is actually tired and ready to sleep if I put her down drowsy she will punch her arms around and kick her legs but will put herself back to sleep. That is good because when it comes to laying her down I have no coordination. For all the things that seem to be "natural" to me laying her down isn't one of them.

Something that is a bit crazy to me is that if she doesn't get her day time naps she won't sleep through the night (yeah we are spoiled there too). Before going through her last developmental growth she would nap after breakfast and then after lunch for her long naps then cat nap in the early evening. Then she had the spurt and spent a week and a half not napping at all which resulted in a bed time of 11, not the "normal" 9:30 and she would have to wake up at 3:30 to eat. When she doesn't get a real nap every time she eats she falls asleep before she gets full so doesn't sleep soundly and will not let me put her down. But if she is full and naps life is good for everyone. But in the last three days (minus yesterday) she has gone back to her "regular" schedule and ended up sleeping 9-6.

I however do not sleep straight through that time. I wake up and stare at the video monitor until i see her breathing or flinch. Lucky for me she takes after me and my family and is a very flinchy sleeper.

She is 11 pounds, 23.5 inches long and into size 2 diapers. She is a dainty long skinny girl built like her dad and grandpa Ed but then you get to her thighs and BAM all mommy :) so the size 1 diapers got tight around the legs before they were tight in the waist. She is fully out of the 0-3 month clothing and I think I finally got them all out of her dresser so I don't accidentally pull them out and try to stuff her in them. The 3 month one piece clothes with out feet are all above her ankles. She has worn a few 3-6 months sleepers too.

39 weeks...HOLY CRAP

Yeah, holy crap we are having a baby. We have had 39 weeks to get used to the idea, riiiiiight. It hits me every now and then but it really just hit me just now that we are in that window of "many babies are born in this week". I have been wishing for her to come for about a week now. I obviously still want her to show up any second now but something seems real about it. I attempted to bribe her at Target today while in the baby clothes section. She kicked around a couple times but there were no contractions and no water breaking. I totally would have welcomed water breaking in public too. Embarrassing, yes, but welcome, yes. So she didn't get anything at Target.

I am over being home, going out for longer than 15 minutes kills me, it is frustrating right now. I know that I am not the first to feel that way and that helps a bit. Target has a lot of pajamas on sale but I managed to leave with out buying any. I bought a pair of slippers a couple weeks ago but yesterday I put my bags in the car so now they along with my other comfy clothes are packed in the car. I am wearing the same couple of things every day, but when I don't really go anywhere I only really feel sorry for Paul.

I am not going to do any of the insane self induction techniques but I keep trying to trick/jinx my body into it. It is stupid that all these self induction things are basically designed to make your intestines feel like you spent the night in Mexico drinking the water. Why would I want to suffer like that before going through labor. So, mostly I am making sure that I am walking quite a bit. I have heard that stairs help too so I'll start throwing in an extra set here or there in addition of just being in the house. The doctor said that if there is no progress as of my appointment on Tuesday that's when we'll discuss what happens at 41 weeks because my office doesn't let you go past 41 weeks. Unfortunately 2 weeks from this Friday seems like eternity.

Yes, 39 weeks flew by, and I am beyond impressed with the fact that I never had the impatience problem until now. I went appointment to appointment and pretty soon I found myself in the "full term" stage. I guess it is much easier to be patient when the alternative is problems with a premie baby. Now, it seems logical that she should just show her pretty little face. Also, I'd like to set up that "out of office" email reply for my work email.

She will be here when she is ready. I know that.

38 Weeks and she's still hanging in there

Yeah, it is still early, but I would not be one to complain if she were all healthy and ready to come out now. I am hoping that my gut is right and her birthday is the 26th. Who knows!? I am beyond uncomfortable at this point. The sciatic nerve on my right side gets insanely bad. It has been clear since the anatomy ultrasound at 18 weeks that she would be hanging out on my right side predominantly because there is way more room over there because of the tumor. So all her weight is right back there on that side. My left side feels peachy, feels like I could run, then I try to lift my right leg and it is a whole different story.

The lovely bruise

All that said I am so thankful that I have had a very uneventful pregnancy. There hasn't been one test that has come back close to needing rechecked or worried about. The most "eventful" thing is that on Monday the doctor sent me to the hospital for monitoring because our little girl is a spaz and her heart rate was a bit higher than where they like to see it and I was quite swelled with rib pain. Turns out like I said she is a spaz and her heart rate was fine and consistent. The blood work came back fine and so my liver is fine and the swelling is just swelling. The blood work was the most "traumatic". I know my veins, I know what gives blood and doesn't . I know that the one that runs down the side of my left arm just outside my elbow is the one that a blind person could draw blood from. I probably would have preferred a blind person. The woman tied on the tourniquet tighter than anyone ever has EVER. I was pretty sure she had stopped circulation all together. So she stabs me and snaps the blood tube in there and it is slow she tells me to squeeze a fist. A fist full of fingers I can barely feel because of the band and fingers that are swollen and achey to begin with. Finally she fills the two tubes. I had been on an automatic blood pressure cuff that she did not unvelcro she just slipped it back up my arm pushed the button and left. Mind you this is on the arm that she just dug in, as the cuff tightened I began wondering if that vein blew if I'd bleed out. The cuff wasn't even up my arm where it should be, it was almost over my elbow so very close the blood draw site. The best part was watching Sarah who had been driving me that day. Sarah finally got up and was like I am fixing this stupid thing and she unvelcroed it and put it on right and surprise my blood pressure was fine the next time it went off. The bruise that followed was nasty.

Stella eyes me

Patti joins her

My boss keeps emailing me and adding a p.s. that he keeps hoping to see my out of office note up saying that I am on maternity leave. No such luck yet :) I will just sit here with Stella and Patti watching my every move and feeling baby girl squiggling (not a word but is the best description) around.